I will preface this with a forewarning:   this is the lengthiest index page yet.   But it's worth reading (I wrote it, so of course I think that�lol!   Talk about total bias!).   I have a few things to say, a few things to explain, and a few people to thank.   Take breaks as you need them so your vision doesn't suffer, but please read through the whole thing, and then visit my message board and add your thoughts, whether it has to do with your own goals, training, lessons learned in life or if it has to do with anything I've said and done on this site and on the stage.   Thank you in advance for taking the time to read all of this.

�To everything there is a season.   Yes.   A time to break down, and a time to build up.   Yes.   A time to keep silence, and a time to speak up.   Yes, . . .�   --Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

One year ago, I stepped onto the Junior Nationals stage, found myself in a third call out (which automatically places a competitor outside of the top ten), and almost didn't come back for the second portion of the prejudging the next morning.   That evening, in the privacy of my hotel room, I cried, yelled, thought about throwing a few things, and swore I was done with figure shows.   I had to take several deep breaths, swallow a bit of pride, and determine that the right thing to do was to finish the show.

And then I took a year off.

In that year, I got divorced, allowed myself to get caught up in a bad rebound relationship, dealt with pure bullshit and flinging of insults on some of the message boards in the bodybuilding industry (excuse my language), and went through a move that wiped out my savings.   I then woke up.   One evening, my eyes popped open, and I caught a vision of what my life would become if I didn't make some new choices then and there.   I got my butt in gear, came back to Dallas, and vigorously hunted for a new career and a new beginning.

And then I stepped on stage again.

I dare you to compare the photos from the 2004 Junior Nationals and the 2005 Junior Nationals and then see for yourself what a difference a year can make.   To see how depression and stress can damage one's goals and dreams and can affect one's body.   And to see what confidence and independence can do for a physique, for a mind, for a soul.

I barely improved in my placing, having moved from 12 th last year to 11 th this year.   I'm a bit confused as to how this occurred, seeing as I feel I brought my best package ever to the 2005 Chicago stage.   After all, I placed sixth in this show behind a present-day pro figure Arnold invitee just two years ago.   In fact, two years ago, I graced the stage with bigger quads, a smaller upper body, and a watery midsection.   And two years ago, I was fifth in an even bigger show behind a present-day pro figure Olympia qualifier, again sporting bigger quads, smaller upper body, and a watery midsection.   I place the challenge on the judges to answer this question, and I place the challenge on my fans to publicly question the results and demand a better standard for judging criteria in the figure realm.   Only when you speak up in masses will change occur.

For me though, the challenge is to remain steadfast in my efforts in the gym.   I carry great pride within myself.   I have a new career as an educational trainer in a human resources department for one of the biggest retail stores in the entire country.   I have the opportunity to reach people nationwide and help them to reach their goals in their own careers.   I get to do what I love the most:   teach.   I feel so lucky to have caught myself in time before I truly reached the bottom of a well and to have found a smidgeon of light in which to guide myself back to the top of my game.

Does that mean I'm done improving?   Hell no!   I flew away from Chicago a week ago with a desire to do even greater, better things.   Just because I harbor a bit of anger and disappointment with my placing doesn't mean that I then lose a desire to step on stage with the best physique I can possibly create for myself.   And that's the key thing for me to remember�the best physique for ME!   I don't need to conform to someone else's standards when I'm satisfied with what I bring to the table (or the stage).   I understand that I may not be the ideal physique or look for the NPC figure realm.   And that's okay.   Maybe one day I'll go where I'll be rewarded (maybe natural bodybuilding is on the horizon?).   Maybe.   No matter the stage, no matter the choice, I'll continue to compete for me, and for you�my fans.

And for y'all, I've put up a new gallery of photos from Dan Ray.   Dan drove down to Dallas two weeks before the Junior Nationals and captured my physique by the Olympic-sized pool of my apartment complex.   You wouldn't know it though.   It almost looks like I'm on the beach, and that's the magic of Dan's work.   With a turquoise and white bikini, I look like I'm ready to bask in the Cancun sun and feel the waves of the ocean upon me.   Ohh, how I'd love to be on the Cancun beach, especially sporting the abs, striated shoulders, detailed back, and hard glutes that are evident in the photos.

And if you really like Dan's work and you actually read the things I write, then you must rush to the newsstands of your local grocer or Barnes and Noble and pick up the September issue of Oxygen .   I am the expert of the month in the �Resolve to Evolve� column, and I explain the do's and don'ts of bench dips.   One of Dan Ray's photos graces the page.   You don't want to miss out!

You really don't want to miss out on my road to the USA's in Vegas on July 28.   If you are a member, then you know that I remained diligent in my goal to keep members updated on progress photos and training details from January to June of this year.   I have a collection of photos that I took with my own digital camera to capture my abs, my biceps, my veins, and other little details that may not have come through in the progress photos.   Those will be going up with this update as well, and they aren't available anywhere else on the world wide web.

The road to any show can be a very rigorous one, and a very lonely one.   Last year, I had a husband who kept me company most of the time, but just because someone is physically present, it doesn't mean that their company is the best medicine.   This year, I came home to an empty apartment every night.   That was tough, but it was also necessary.   I had to remain focused on my goals.   Luckily, I had a few people who stuck by me through thick and thin and who helped me emotionally as well as physically.   They are as follows:

Pete Grubbs (and his wife, Apple):   Pete works with Tanji Johnson, Emerald Cup Pro Fitness winner and natural competitor.   He created my diet for the last six weeks prior to the show and determined the amounts of cardio I would do on a day-to-day basis.   We worked in what I felt was a partnership of sorts, with him learning my body and me learning to trust.   I've dealt with a slew of trainers in this industry who either a) didn't keep their word, b) hit on me and breached the line the trainer/client relationship, or c) didn't have the expertise they professed to having.   Pete always remained professional, even keeled, and honest.   His words and promises were backed by his actions, and I took a huge leap of faith with him, told myself that in order for this to work, I had to trust him, and I'm so glad I did.   By working with him, I was able to concentrate on the things that mattered the most:   gym time, the show, and my career.   If you would like to reach Pete, please visit his site at www.maxmuscleseattle.com .

Cindy Martinez:   A fellow, figure A division competitor, Cindy and I remained in touch every single day for the entire six weeks going into Junior Nationals.   In the last two weeks, we were actually talking two and three times a day.   A true friend, true buddy, true comrade, Cindy helped me through the times that I thought I would die from lack of sleep and an influx of cardio sessions.   And I in turn helped her.   Both of us work full-time, corporate positions, and she has two children, which makes her load even heavier than mine.   We lifted each other's spirits, pumped each other up, and provided advice when it was needed.   I couldn't have done this without her, and we'll be continuing those phone conversations all the way through the next six weeks as we both prepare for shows again.   Thank goodness for Cingular's rollover minutes!

Jen Kersten:   A national-level, Canadian fitness competitor who has been through so much this past year as well, Jen stuck by me through everything that I've been through and never once made a judgment on me.   She kept me sane in times that I thought I would go crazy.   She kept me grounded when I wanted to fly away and hide from the world.   And she allowed me to turn the tables and give advice to her when the going got rough in her court.   True friends act like a flock of birds flying from one destination to the next; they change roles constantly, one taking the lead and the other taking the backseat, and vice versa.   Thank you, Jen.

Amanda Savell:   She took me in when I thought I had no place to go, when I nearly hit rock bottom.   She watched me battle through disappointments, difficult relationships, lack of motivation and focus, and a fight for my independence and self worth.   Amanda is on the road to a pro card, having won not just the Orange County overall title but also garnering a win in her class at the Emerald Cup.   She'll be making her national debut in Vegas at the USA's, and I see only great things in store for her.   She's a brave girl for having made some decisions in her life and taking the plunge and switching from bodybuilding to figure and doing it successfully and beautifully.

Jon Howard:   My new webmaster and old-time photographer, Jon always answered the phone when it rang and found me on the other end in tears or in some new conundrum.   He witnessed me running blindly through a maze and making the same mistakes, and yet he too never judged me.   He just remained patient and waited for when I was ready to learn from my mistakes and move up the ladder of life instead of remaining on the same rung for an eternity.   Jon is the photographer who did the gothic pictures and the golden photos, both of which captured my anger and my inner struggle last summer.   I suggest you take a peek into the members' section to see what I mean.

Me:   I never left myself.   I took a break, took some downtime, walked away for a bit, and made like a hermit, but I came back.   This Junior Nationals wasn't about a pro card or a trophy for me.   It was about righting a wrong that I had done to myself.   While teaching ninth-grade English, the major theme of each semester was that we all make our own choices and must thus deal with the consequences.   We steer our own courses of life, and we have no one to blame but ourselves.   Everyday we face new challenges, new decisions.   Which way will you travel today?   The future is unknown, but it's up to you what path you tread as you head toward that future.   Make it the right one for you and no one else.

Thank you for all of your support, encouragement, honesty, and comments.

Jodi