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I placed 8th in the lightweight class at the NPC Nationals!

I sit precariously on the edge of the last two weeks. It isn't the first time. I doubt it will be the last. I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the shows. I barely have enough to count the disappoinment. I barely have enough to contain my excitement.

But contain I do. Waves of anxiety ebb and flow with the sands of confidence. I catch the butterflies one by one, hold them delicately, before I exhale and watch as they flutter into the future where they will carry me towards the stage.

The unknown grabs my attention day after day, workout after workout, bite after bite. I don't like not being in control. After deciding upon every single item to put into my mouth and every single step to take on the treadmill and every single lift to accomplish in the gym, to finally put precious moments in some strangers' hands is terrifying. It always has been. I hate that part as much as I hate the smell of Protan.

Three minutes into the morning, and I love what stares back at me in the mirror. Two hours down the road, and I despise it. Did my thighs just grow? Did my shoulders just shrink? Is that a pimple I see sprouting on my chin? Why won't my skin tan? Why won't the fat disappear from my knees? I thought I had abs yesterday. How could they become like a shy child and hide beneath the skirts of water retention so suddenly? Yesterday I was beautiful. Today I'm a troll. Tomorrow, who knows.

I am a freak. Everyone stares. Veins pop out in strange places. I revel in this roadmap of my toils and troubles. No one knows the path I've traveled. No one could even begin to understand what it takes to achieve this. No one understands me. I am so lonely...so alone...so thankful to be alone...too tired to think of how lonely I am. I can barely lift a finger at some points in the day. I put locks on the wrong lockers, wonder why my headphones aren't working when I haven't managed to turn the iPod on, turn the car off before putting it in park and then freak when the car begins to move, forget the simplest verbs. Where did I put my brain cells? I need them today.

I'm irritated by everything and by the same token I adore everything. My emotions are a kaleidescope. Turn the dial and you get a new pattern. Turn again. And turn again. Ever changing. Ever colliding.

I am scared. I can't deal with failure a fifth year in a row.

I am confident. This is my best package to date.

I am scared.

I am confident.

I am scared.

I hope by the time I make up my mind, I manage to mix confidence and the New York stage at just the right juncture.

And I hope that when I step off the stage, I can take to heart the very advice I give everyone else.

My body is my trophy. My placing does not define me.

I'll say it again.

My body is my trophy. My placing does not define me.

Jodi